Engagement season is upon us, with men across the country preparing to pop the question over the holidays. Many of them—maybe you—are wondering where to start with planning a proposal. The obvious place, once you’re sure you’re ready to ask, is the ring. It’s a once-in-a-lifetime (we hope!) purchase meant to dazzle the person you intend to wed, and there are more factors than ever before to consider in making your selection. No pressure. We asked jewelers and people who’ve been engaged to share their up-to-the-minute expertise and how to find the perfect engagement ring.
You can take your best guess at what kind of ring your partner wants. Some proposees like to be totally surprised! But chances are, they have a good idea for what they’re looking for.
“Today for modern couples, working on this process together is very common,” says Greenwich St. Jewelers co-owner Jennifer Gandia, who has been in the engagement ring business for 20 years. “When I started selling engagement rings, it was not.”
It’s good to at least have a conversation with your future spouse before you make a purchase. Some couples go ring shopping together to try on different styles. Alfred Glover, a travel creator and recent groom based in Atlanta, says he went ring shopping with his now wife twice over the course of about five months. “She is also figuring out in this process what she wants,” Glover says. “What you think you want is also different than what looks good on your finger in person.”
Glover went to New York’s Diamond District to buy the ring and proposed during a later trip to the city. He had picked up enough of his wife’s preferences during their two browsing sessions to select a ring himself. She told him her stone and cut preferences, and he chose the band.
“I just kind of got a feel from what looked good on her finger, what was my budget, what she was most excited about,” he says. “I did get to use a little bit of my own creativity to pick out the exact ring, but I had enough details from her.”
These days, there’s a lot of debate over whether to choose a natural-mined diamond or a lab-grown one. There are pros and cons to each, says Gandia, whose business offers both. Many natural diamonds come from regions where the profits from mining go toward armed conflicts and contribute to human rights violations. There are initiatives like the Kimberley Process that seek to remove those diamonds from the supply chain and ensure new ones that enter are conflict-free. However, some argue that Kimberley certification is not enough to guarantee a stone’s ethical origins.
Lab-grown diamonds are virtually identical in every way to natural stones. However, Gandia says there are issues with how they are produced, too. These include the lab’s working conditions, high energy consumption, and sourcing of the mined mineral seed used to make the diamonds.
Gandia says that couples should not be afraid to ask their jeweler questions. If ethical diamond production is important to them, they can seek out shops that are committed to responsible sourcing.
The decision comes down to preference. Most couples that opt for lab-grown do so because it’s more affordable. Buyers can often get a bigger stone for the same cost of a smaller natural diamond. Others prefer natural diamonds because of the history they hold, having been produced over millions of years. Glover’s partner was set on a natural stone, so that’s what he got. “My philosophy is, go with what your partner wants,” Glover says.
More people are buying vintage engagement rings, which are more sustainable than mining or creating a new diamond. A vintage natural diamond has “been on the planet for such a long time [but] doesn’t add to a larger carbon footprint or human rights violations,” says Heidi Grace, brand and community manager at Maejean Vintage.
Any ring that is over 20 years old is considered vintage; over 100 years old is antique. Many people opt for these options because they feel more timeless. “They’re very unique,” Grace says. “A lot of brides are tired of having something that, in their words, everyone else has, or something that is a cultural fad.”
If you’re interested in resetting an inherited ring, partner with professionals you trust. There are a few ways that your jeweler can help you verify that your stone is yours after resetting, according to Gandia. “If it’s laser inscribed, they’re going through a process of helping you to see the laser inscription,” she says. “So that way, you can check that upon going out. Or perhaps there’s a clarifying characteristic within the stone that they can point out beforehand.”
To improve the longevity of a ring, Grace says couples should take it to be cleaned once a year, which is often a free service. The rhodium plating of white gold bands, which were popular between the 1920s and 1950s, needs to be replated every couple of decades.
Sapphires, emeralds, and rubies have become popular options for engagement rings. When considering an alternative gemstone for your ring, choose one that’s high on the Mohs scale, meaning a harder mineral. Sapphires and rubies are high on the Mohs scale, but Grace suggests avoiding soft stones like pearls, opal, or moonstone, all of which can scratch easily. Emeralds, while trendy, are also on the softer side.
Budgeting is not exactly the most romantic part of ring buying—but it is a good opportunity to start talking about finances with your future spouse, if you haven’t already. “That is so important for a marriage, to know what your partner can afford, what they’re willing to spend, what your expectations are,” says Mandy Lee, a trend forecaster known as oldloserinbrooklyn online. “You have to have those conversations for a healthy partnership, in my opinion—like, that’s a non-negotiable.”
Glover cautioned against going into debt for the ring. He says grooms-to-be may also have to set aside money for proposal expenses, which might include a professional photographer or planner. Glover had a spending minimum and maximum for his partner’s ring. “It needed to be an amount that I was comfortable with, but it needed to also be an amount that was significant to show that it is a sign of commitment,” he says.
Ring selection can be high-pressure, and couples sometimes get decision fatigue. The right ring might not be exactly what you pictured in your head. “A good sales professional will help you to recognize the cues that something is right for you and sort of guide you,” Gandia says.
Lee looked at rings for six months before landing on a plain gold band. She says she likes the idea of changing engagement rings as one’s personal style evolves throughout their life. While the “initial decision feels so huge,” she says, people don’t have to wear that exact ring for the rest of their lives. “It’s going to be always so, so special and symbolic, but you don’t have to commit to the ring forever,” Lee says. “I feel like that’s something that people put a lot of stock in—and I definitely did, which just made me unable to choose.” Whatever ring you decide on, it will always be a reminder of this milestone, so focus on enjoying the experience, and the result should be one that you cherish.